I mentioned in my last post that we started going to nice
dinners on our anniversaries. We really
enjoyed doing tasting menus, although I obviously needed to have a vegetarian
option. =)
Well, around September/October, Meg had started feeling
better, and then in November she was switched to a less intense chemo
regimen. She was still struggling with
her energy levels and some other side effects, but her appetite had come back,
and on many days she was feeling well enough to get out of the house. Our social life had always been pretty heavy
on drinking and staying out late, and obviously that was going to have to change. But she could definitely enjoy a good
dinner. So we started looking at the
Washingtonian’s “100 Very Best Restaurants” list and making reservations. I decided that by the end of 2013, we were
going to have 50 of them crossed off the list.
That was probably a little ambitious, but we were on a really good
pace! In addition to the 7 or 8 we had
previously been to, from October to February we crossed off Willow, Restaurant
Eve, Bibiana, Rasika, Adour, Graffiato, Lyon Hall, Mintwood Place, Mala Tang,
Present, Estadio, and Indique.
But the best meal out of all of those was in early
February. We had been talking for months
about trying to plan a trip somewhere.
We wanted to go to Florida, or the Caribbean, or anywhere where we could
just get away and relax for a bit. But
cancer never gave us a break. There was
always something around the corner – delayed treatments threw off schedules,
low blood counts dictated health cautions, and we were always waiting for the
next set of test results to see what the next plan would be. So we finally focused on the weekend of
February 9th. It seemed like
that should be a good weekend, and we’d be able to get away.
We nearly had a flight to Miami booked when we got some
troubling news towards the end of January.
Some blood tests indicated that Meg’s liver was starting to regress, and
that the treatment that she was on was likely no longer working. She was scheduled to have another round of
treatment before the next CT scan, and the doctor wanted to wait to see the
results of different blood tests before deciding what to do. There was too much uncertainty to book a trip
to Miami, so we started looking at local options. We made a reservation for the Homestead
resort – we thought the hot springs could be good for her. But then the test results came in, and I
decided to push the doctor to move up the scan.
It was obvious the treatment wasn’t working. The earliest time they could fit her in was
on the Sunday morning that we were planning on going away. Meg was starting to have abdominal pain
again, and the Homestead was 3 ½ hours away.
She wasn’t sure that she wanted to spend 7 hours in the car for just a
2-night stay.
Around that time, the Washingtonian came out with their new
best restaurants list for 2013, and “The Inn at Little Washington” was ranked
#1. I had been watching the restaurant’s
website, and they had a room special for that Thursday night. Seemed perfect. We decided we’d drive the hour out there on
Thursday, have a good dinner, head to Charlottesville on Friday, and then drive
back on Saturday in time for the scan on Sunday morning. Booked.
On our way out there Thursday afternoon, we used Yelp to
make a lunch stop at the Black Bear Bistro in downtown Warrenton. Then we drove over to the Inn. When they call the town “Little Washington”
they mean it. We thought maybe there
would be some shops to peruse or something, but nope. There’s the Inn, and that’s about it. So we checked into our room, got a tour of
the Inn from the kid who had a full-page picture in the Washingtonian (cleaning
a glass), and then went into the lounge area for afternoon tea.
Ok, this is where I’m going to start the slideshow.
Tea included snacks, so we pushed back our dinner
reservation and went to relax in the room for a while. It was a pretty cool room.
I think we counted something like 9 different places to sit,
and the furnishings were all done really well.
And then we had a nice huge bathroom with a Jacuzzi tub, which Meg of
course had to use!
The dinner was great.
Meg said it was the best food she had ever had. She particularly enjoyed her beef entrée.
My main vegetarian menu wasn’t the ‘best’ I had
ever had (I still have fond memories of the food at CityZen), but the service and overall experience
was fantastic. And I don’t usually like
sweets, but I’d have to say that my 7-item dessert was probably one of the greatest
things I’ve ever eaten.
Before:
After:
By the time that was gone, we were the last table left in
the restaurant. We got a tour of the
kitchen and retired for the night. But that
wasn’t the end! The next morning we had
a nice little breakfast at a table looking out to the courtyard.
Overall, just a tremendous experience. It was quite expensive, but if you’re
considering going there for dinner, I’d recommend staying overnight and getting
the whole experience (as long as you’re someone who can relax and not spend the
entire evening thinking about how much it’s costing! I can relate; I used to have that problem –
but no more!)
The next day we took the long way to Charlottesville,
staying on the country roads and driving along the hillsides. Once we got into town, we both knew what would
really top the most extravagant dining night of our lives – lunch at
Guadalajara! Complete with a Jumbo Marg,
for old time’s sake:
We didn’t really have any plans once we got to
Charlottesville. Meg was starting to get
pretty bad pains in her abdomen, so we had to take it easy. We checked into the hotel and rested, then
went for a dip in the hot tub. Then we
started discussing where to go for dinner.
It’s always such a tough decision when we’re in Charlottesville - there
are so many places we want to go to! We
were really disappointed when Northern Exposure closed several years back, as
that was the one “nice” restaurant that we went to many times during college, the one we
probably both considered our favorite.
It was also the location of our first solo dinner date. My parents were visiting me during Easter
weekend my first year at UVa, and that was the first time they met Megan. (We went to Mem Gym and played 2 on 2
basketball – me and Meg vs my dad and my sister!) On Easter Sunday we ate brunch at Northern
Exposure with my family. We liked it so
much that after my parents hit the road, Meg and I decided to go back for
dinner that same night!
Once we made the decision to go to Charlottesville, I was
thinking about how much I wished we could go back and eat there. But then I realized there was another
restaurant we could go to – the location of our actual first date, on the night
of the double date function at Sigma Nu.
It was Vivace, an Italian restaurant that we liked while in school, but
because it wasn’t downtown I don’t think we had been back since we
graduated. I looked it up, and luckily
it was still open. So that’s where we
went that night. We were pleasantly
surprised with the quality of the food – it was better than we thought it would
be. We spent the dinner reminiscing,
trying to remember exactly where our table was on that first night. 13 years later, nearly to the day, we were sitting in the same place. We laughed, talking
about silly old things. And we cried,
feeling the weight of the memories and the uncertainty of the future.
We talked about going to see a movie that night, but Meg
said she’d probably be much more comfortable if she was able to lie down in
bed. So we went back to the Omni and
rented “Silver Linings Playbook”. Meg
didn’t like it, up until the part where they started dancing. =) That probably wasn’t
the best movie to watch - I didn’t realize that Jennifer Lawrence’s character
was widowed. Meg always wanted to stay
positive – I think that’s why she spent so much time watching shows on channels
like Food Network and Game Show Network.
It gave her a better chance at not being reminded of her cancer for a
few moments. Once you’re dealing with
something like that, you become hyper-aware of every seemingly innocent mention
about it.
The next morning we got up, grabbed some lunch, and again opted for the scenic route on the drive back. It was a good trip, one I’ll always
remember. At least, I hope so, now that
I’ve written this. A few months ago, I could trace my way through every moment of that weekend and remember so many
little things so easily. Now, several
months later, it’s harder to recall everything, and I’m sure that I've missed some
details. I’ve definitely forgotten some
of the things we talked about.
I mentioned this in my first post – I’m so scared of the
fact that I’m going to forget things. I
want to remember every moment, every conversation, every smile.
Someone who’s walked this path gave me some great advice in
April and told me to start journaling and describing my memories with Meg “in
vivid detail.” I’ve done some of that,
but eventually it started becoming hard to do – hard to dip into that well so
often. In retrospect, I wish I slowed
down a little bit over those months of April/May/June and spent more time
writing, when it was easier. Now, it’s usually
pretty hard. I’ve been doing a pretty
good job at keeping it together recently, but sitting here, writing this, I’ve
spent most of the evening crying, and I’ve had to take several breaks. It reminds me of when Meg would write her
blog entries sitting next to me on the couch.
We would be watching TV, and then quietly she would sit up, open the
computer, and start typing. Within a few
minutes, I would glance over and she’d be staring intently at the screen with
tears welling up in her eyes. It feels
good to get things out, to let people know how you’re feeling, but it’s not
easy to do. Sometimes I wonder why I’m
doing this, that I’m unnecessarily torturing myself. But I usually feel better after I’m done.
Once it started getting hard, in late May, I decided I
needed to go away somewhere. Anywhere
really – I just needed to get out of the house and away from work so I could
concentrate on writing. So I spent a
week in Colorado in June. It was tough
when I got back and people asked me “How was Colorado? What did you do?” I talked about the places I stayed, the
things I saw. But in reality, I went
there to get away from work and house chores, to drive through the mountains, and to sit in my hotel room
and write. I thought it would be so easy
to write once I had no distractions in front of me. But it didn’t work. I came back with 10 pages of unfinished ideas
and one below-average song. I realized I
needed to stop putting pressure on myself to write. I needed to try to let it happen naturally. And to do that, I needed to start eliminating
the external pressures that were making me feel anxious and exhausted all the
time. If that’s how I was feeling every
day, I was never going to have a clear enough head to feel like writing.
-----
Hmm. This is growing into a tangent off the main story, and
I’d like to finish this tonight, so I’m going to abruptly cut that off and try
to bring it back on course. I’ll talk more about what I wrote in Colorado at
some point in the future.
-----
I try hard not to have regrets. But I have wishes. I wish that I could have taken more trips
with Meg. I wish that I was able to have
some foresight into the timeframe we were dealing with, and how those few
months were the best ones we had left.
We weren’t going to give up hope that we had years instead of months,
but I wish we focused on having more trips like that weekend in February. And I wish I took her to Fiji.
I found out that she had written a report on Fiji in
the 5th grade, and had always wanted to go there after that.
In the hospital in March, after we were told there were no
more treatment options, I told Meg I was sorry that I didn’t take her to
Fiji. I don’t know how she continually
had the strength to do this, but she managed to reassure me. She told me that she had no regrets. That she wouldn’t change anything. She said that we had 13 great years. She wasn’t going to get upset because she
never sat on a beach in Fiji; she didn’t feel like she missed out because she
never saw Paris. She was only
disappointed that we didn’t have more time together.
Sometimes I think she might have said a lot of things over
those last few days just because she selflessly wanted us to be ok. But I knew her better than I’ve ever known
anyone, and we couldn’t really lie to each other. So I’ve come to believe that she meant
everything she said. She was 32 years
old, literally sitting on her deathbed, and all that really mattered to her
were the relationships and love that she had with the people in her
life. Trips and vacations are important
because they help create memorable experiences and foster the growth of that
love. This is a huge world, and there
are a lot of amazing things to see out there.
You should do what you can to enjoy the heck out of life. But in the end, I don’t think you’re going to
be worrying about that one item left unchecked on your bucket list. It’s less about what you see, and more about
whom you see it with.
