Are you there, God?

It's me, Megan.  

As you can probably imagine, facing my own mortality has shaken my belief system a bit.  I have asked so many questions.  The most simple question is somehow the most complicated: Why?  

Why is this happening to me?  To us?  We can't know the answer to that, just like we can't know how I got cancer in the first place.  I have wondered on so many occasions what it could have been that caused this.  Was it too many lattes with Splenda from Starbucks?  Or all the Skittles and Diet Coke I consumed during college?  Not enough vegetables?  Or too many cocktails?  Skipping breakfast for years?  Or maybe eating too many sweets?  I don't know that it would make any difference now, but I wish we could know what caused this in the first place.

Another question I find myself asking a lot is: what did I do to deserve this?  How could God allow this to happen to me?  I don't believe God gave me cancer...we are imperfect creatures subject to genetic mutations.  But do I think God can heal me?  Yes, I do.  Do I think He will?  I don't know, but I really hope so.  But our dreams and God's plans plan for us don't always follow the same path.

I haven't gone to church too often since I was diagnosed.  I have been a few times, and sometimes I got emotional being there, going through all of the questions in my head, feeling sorry for myself (and for Adam), begging God to heal me.  Adam had been going to church on his own some because sometimes I didn't want to go.  But this past Sunday, Adam and I went to church together.  We still go to the same church where we were married over six years ago.   When we sat down, I opened the program and saw that they were going to do the sacrament of anointing of the sick.  I got anxious.  At first I wasn't sure I wanted to do it.  When we got to that point in the mass, the priest began to talk about the sacrament and the healing power of God.  I got emotional.  When the priest came to our row, Adam asked if I wanted to do it.  I nodded, with tears in my eyes, and moved to the end of the pew.  Adam stood with me, with his hand on my shoulder as the priest anointed me with oil on my forehead and both of my palms and said a prayer for me.  It was an emotional experience for us.  I am glad we went to church together that day.  I am glad we had the opportunity to experience that together. 

Although I might not understand why, I am going to keep praying and asking God to make healing me a part of His plan.