Depression

I was at one of my usual appointments with one of the nurse practitioners when she asked me if I was depressed.  Me?  Depressed?  No way!  I immediately told her I was fine.  I was surprised by the question.  Honestly, I had never really thought about whether or not I was depressed.  So I started thinking about it.

I don't think I have chronic depression, but I've realized that I definitely have days where I am more depressed than others.  There are times when I don't feel like responding to emails or text messages from friends and family, even though I have the time.  There are times when I don't want to talk on the phone with people, to hang out with friends, to do anything at all.  Sometimes I just want to be alone.

There are times when I have a really hard time with motivation.  I will want or need to do something, but I just sit there.  And sit there.  When it's one of those days, it can take me a long time to start moving.  I will sit, doing nothing, for a long time before I will myself to get up and do something.  OK, maybe I am depressed.

I consider myself a generally happy person.  I definitely would have said that before cancer, and I still think that I am.  At least more recently.  Realizing that maybe I am depressed from time to time is good - maybe that will help me get myself out of that mindset. 

Early on after my diagnosis, I would think a lot about the sad things in coping with something like this.  I would think about dying, about not having all of the experiences I wanted in life, about the future Adam and I were supposed to have, about how unfair this all is, about how much I hate that Adam has to go through this with me, about me leaving him behind, about my family.  I cried a lot.

At the end of a day that was particularly rough for me emotionally, Adam told me he didn't want this to ruin my spirit.  I took that to heart.  I have a choice to be happy, to enjoy life, and to do what I can to beat this.

I know that positive thinking is important.  I try to divert negative thoughts by telling myself that I am strong, I am a fighter, and I will beat this.  I try to focus energy on fighting the tumors.  The Pac-Man visual hasn't worked for me.  Instead, I envision a tiny version of me inside my liver punching, kicking, and destroying the giant cancer cells.

Even though I know the power of positive thinking/energy or whatever you want to call it, there are still times when the negative thoughts creep in my head and make me sad.  I am hoping I get better and better at focusing on the positive.