Why So Quiet?

Before I decided to start writing these posts, I sat down and compiled a list of blog ideas, to make sure I had enough to write about.  I listed out 30 potential entries.  Tonight’s post was not one of them.  I’m hesitant to write this, because I’m afraid people might take it the wrong way.  But I’ve felt better after writing some of the other posts recently, so I’ll throw this one out there.

I need to take more time for myself.  Writing this blog has been very therapeutic for me, but it’s now been 9 days since my last post.  That’s because I’ve been home alone before 9:00PM only one time in the past 12 days.   I’ve been out of town each of the past two weekends for family stuff, and I've tried keeping other plans that I’ve made.  All of those meetups have been good company and time well spent.  But last week was the first time I worked a full 40 hours since I went back to work, and I realized halfway through that I might be burning myself out.   It all came to a head on Friday night, and I had a bit of a breakdown.  So I’ve decided that I’m going to cancel all plans for this week, and take a few days to decompress.  My house is a mess, I haven’t done any writing or guitar playing, and I’m making very little progress on the paperwork items that still need to be taken care of (and are constantly weighing there in the back of my mind).  If I don’t schedule time for my personal mental health, I feel like I won’t continue to make the small steps of progress that I need to be making.

I’m worried that by writing this, people are going to stop emailing me, and stop trying to make plans with me.  Please don’t do that.  I’m still going to need you guys to be here for me in June and July, so if I cancel plans, let’s try again in a few weeks.  There are a lot of emails and facebook messages sitting in my inbox that I haven’t responded to yet.  I’m not used to getting this amount of correspondence, and I’m trying to keep up.  But it’s tough to dig into that well so often.  And it’s actually tougher the more meaningful the message is, or if it's about Megan.  I still want to respond to people who sent me messages a month ago, people that I haven’t spoken to in years.  I’ve read everything that has been sent to me, and I enjoy hearing from everyone.  So keep writing, but please understand that if you don’t hear back, it’s not personal.  It might take me a month or two, or more - I’m not sure.  Last week I wrote that I need to do a better job of letting people know how I feel while I have the chance.  But that’s not always easy, and I definitely can’t do it all at one time.  So I’m working on getting better at that. 

Before leaving work on Friday (my one night with no plans), I went back through some old email conversations I had with Meg.  I’m not sure I should do that at work again.  When I read her writing, I hear her voice in my head, and it can be too much to handle.  I started driving home and couldn't keep it together, so I decided to go to the cemetery.  I sat at Meg’s plot for a while, and then went for a walk.  On a monument not far away, I saw a poem and read it.  It gave me a lot of comfort, and helped me get myself together, so I wrote it down and thought I would share it here.

For those I love, for those who love me

When I am gone, release me, and let me go, 


I have so many things to see and do.

You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears, 


Be Happy that we had so many years.

I gave you my Love. You can only guess, 


How much you gave me in Happiness.

I thank you for the Love you have shown, 


But now it's time I traveled on alone.

So grieve awhile for me, if grieve you must.


Then let grief be comforted by Trust.


It's only for a short time that we must part, 


So Bless the Memories that lie within your Heart.


I won't be far away, for life goes on, 


So if you need me, Call and I will come.


Though you can't see me or touch me... I'll be near, 


With all of my Love around you soft and clear.

And when this way you must come, 


I'll greet you with a smile and a 'Welcome Home.'