One of my favorite things about December is that it's when all of the year-end music lists get published. I've always enjoyed checking lists from sites like Pitchfork, Spin, and Rolling Stone to compare how the music I liked gets ranked, and to find out about songs and artists that I might've missed throughout the year. I tend to make my own lists too, usually my five favorite songs and albums of the year. Over the past few weeks I've been thinking about my favorite music this year, and it's been taking me back through the tidal wave that was the past 12 months. (Obviously longer than that really, but I'm going to keep it to the calendar year for purposes of this post.) To me, one of the most appealing aspects of music has always been the fact that certain memories and emotions can be triggered by hearing a particular song. Usually these are good memories. Like songs that my high school band played and bring me back to summer of 98. Or songs that were popular on the dance floor of Sigma Nu in the early 2000's. Or songs that Meg and I heard together at a concert, in our standard pose with her standing right in front of me and my arms wrapped around her waist.
But sometimes songs trigger different memories. I remember exactly which songs were playing when I got into two different car accidents in 2003 and 2004. It's not a big deal, but I can't hear those songs without putting myself back into those moments. I remember the album that was playing in my car when I had to leave work and go for a drive after I heard that my grandfather passed away in 2005. I don't listen to that band much anymore, but when I do, those songs are forever linked to the emotions that I was feeling that day. My favorite album last summer was by the Japandroids, an uptempo hard rock band. In late June, that was pretty much the only album I was listening to. But as we started to realize something was wrong with Meg, I remember driving in my car one day and emphatically turning the radio off. I couldn't listen to something like that, and I probably didn't listen to that band for about a year. A few months ago I tried putting the album on in my car again, and I just couldn't do it. After a few seconds, I was reliving the summer of 2012. I had to switch it to something else.
So what music will make me remember this year, and how? I decided to make a list. This isn't necessarily a list of all my favorite songs of the year (if so, there would probably be a few songs from Chvrches and Volcano Choir on here), but these are the ones that probably best tell the story of this year for me.
Phosphorescent - "Song for Zula"
I listen to SiriusXMU a lot. I think they probably started playing this song last November or December, and it was on a lot through the beginning of this year. It's a song of heartbreak, and even though it's 6 minutes long, the violin/synth melodies are captivating every step of the way. Those notes continuously flirt but never completely approach a climax, and at the end of the song I still feel a longing for more, uncertain of where it's going to go. That was an accurate representation of my winter. There was uncertainty and anxiousness hanging over every moment. I can't hear this song and not feel cold, because I'm reminded of that winter. There were many days that it would play when I was alone in my car, and even though it usually brought me to tears, I couldn't turn it off. But even though these memories are painful, I can still listen to it often. Maybe because it reminds me of the last months I had Meg, and the fact that we had some beautiful moments in the face of uncertain adversity. Speaking of Meg...
Emeli Sande - "Next to Me"
Pink - "Try"
I'm putting these two songs together, because they were picked my Meg, not me. They were the last two songs that she randomly told me she liked. When listening to music, I tended to focus more on melody and musical arrangement, and I think Meg focused more on lyrics. These probably wouldn't be songs that I would've picked for her, but after listening to the lyrics I can understand why she liked each of these tracks. (She actually was never a big fan of Pink, so that one was a shocker!) When I hear them, she's obviously the first thing I think of.
Tom Petty - "Angel Dream"
Not all of the songs on this list are necessarily from 2013. This list is more about the songs that will most remind me of this year. I'd probably rather not have this song listed here, as I already have so many memories associated with it. This was our wedding song. Meg knew that I cared way more about picking the song than she did, so she left it up to me, although she obviously held some veto power. I've always loved this song, ever since I saw the movie "She's the One" in the mid-90's. However, as a song for our first dance, I didn't like the lyrics in the bridge, the part that goes "Sing a little song of loneliness...". I felt like that didn't really make sense for a wedding. So I spent a few months trying to come up with something else, but I kept coming back to this one. "I found an angel, I found my place, I can only thank God it was not too late." I couldn't find anything that I liked better than that.
Now the entire song makes complete and utter sense. Way more than I ever wished it could. I started listening to it a lot towards the end of February. Then I started playing it on guitar, and singing it in my basement when no one was home. I contemplated singing it to Meg at my band's scheduled gig in April. I never got that chance, so I sang it to her a few times in the hospital that last week, while she was sleeping. It's probably a good thing that I didn't pick a more popular wedding song, as it usually hits me pretty hard if it comes up in my iTunes when I'm not expecting it. The good news is that it brings the happy with the sad. But there's a lot there.
Anna Kendrick - "Cups"
I think this song started getting popular in April/May. When I first heard it on the radio and the repeated chorus kicked in, I think I had to change the channel. It was just bad timing - I wasn't ready for songs like that, both upbeat and emotional. The video was cute though, and definitely made me think of Meg. Eventually I got used to hearing it. It doesn't hold as strong of an emotional pull over me as many of the other tracks on this list, but it will definitely remind me of the struggle with those conflicted feelings in the first months after we lost her.
Alabama Shakes - "Always Alright"
I had a really rough patch start towards the end of May. The immediate shock had begun to wear off, and it was a struggle to get through each day. Time felt like it was moving so slow. I went to my 10 year reunion at UVA early in June, and like most other things, it was a roller-coaster. One night I felt depressed, lost, and all alone, and then the next night I had a good time. I was anxious to get away for a bit, and the next week was when I went to Colorado.
I purchased a bunch of new music for the trip. I didn't know what I was going to be feeling like, so it was a random assortment. Jefferson Airplane, The Replacements, Chvrches, Grimes, Purity Ring, The 1975, and Alabama Shakes. "Always Alright" became my song for that trip. I spent a lot of time just driving through the mountains, and it's a fantastic driving song. The weather was great, the scenery was beautiful, and the beat and rhythm of that song kept me going. It took till the end of the week before I started snapping out of that funk, and there have been a lot of dips back and forth since then. But I can often go back to this song for a little southern rock pick-me-up.
The Middle East - "Blood"
Speaking of dips, the next one came quickly, early in July. It made me realize that this wasn't going to be a simple 2 week episode that I could pull myself out of with a week off. It was going to take time, and made me very wary of saying the words "I think I'm doing better." That week, I remember not wanting to get out of bed at all. I didn't want to talk to people, I was tired of the questions. I stopped answering emails.
Then I got scared because I thought I would've been handling everything better by then. I felt like I was regressing. I went to bed on a Friday night feeling like crap, resigned to the fact that I was going to skip a friend's out of town birthday the next day. I woke up in the morning, laid there for a bit, and felt like I literally had to drag myself out of bed. I went for a jog, and while I was running, I made a decision. I could spend the day home alone, feeling sorry for myself. Or I could change my attitude, try to be upbeat, and have a good day. It wasn't easy, but I went for it. It ended up being fun, but when I got back home the next day, I was exhausted. That night I watched the movie "Crazy, Stupid, Love." It was otherwise forgettable, just a way to pass the time. Until the last scene, when "Blood" started playing. It plays softly through the last few minutes, then hits the melodic peak as the credits roll in. In my fragile state, that song just struck an emotional chord with me. I sat there for several minutes, rewinding the movie and playing it over a few times. I Shazam'd it and bought the track from iTunes, and just put it on repeat while I laid on the floor, sobbing.
I don't even think I paid any attention to the lyrics, I was so transfixed by the melody. Then a few weeks later, I was actually listening, and realized this was the last verse:
"It was the only woman you ever loved,
That got burnt by the sun too often when she was young.
And the cancer spread and it ran into her body and her blood,
And there's nothing you can do about it now."
The National - "I Need My Girl"
I bought this album in early September. It's good, with several songs that I like, but this track jumped out at me. I like the opening guitar lick, and I can feel the longing in his voice. I put this song on when I'm really missing her and wishing she was there with me. And these lyrics, in particular, strike a chord with me.
"I am good, I am grounded,
Davy says that I look taller.
But I can't get my head around it,
I keep feeling smaller and smaller.
I need my girl."
People would tell me that I was looking good, that I was handling it well. I often wasn't feeling that way on the inside.
The Naked and Famous - "I Kill Giants"
Meg and I saw The Naked and Famous in concert twice in 2011. I really liked their first album, it was probably my favorite of that year. Under normal circumstances, that means I would've been listening to their follow up within a few days of its release this September. But for some reason, I wasn't anxious to hear it. Maybe because it was one of the last shows that we saw together. I don't know. But then the band posted the video for "I Kill Giants" on facebook at the end of October. And the lead singer posted a note stating that she wrote the song about losing her mom to cancer. So I listened to the album. It's just ok. "I Kill Giants" is probably my favorite song on it. The chorus is simple, but the point is made. "Why couldn't we save you?" I had written a song not too long before this with a similar sentiment. They manage to do it in an upbeat and melodic way.
Wild Cub - "Thunder Clatter"
Of everything on my list, this is the song that I most wish I could write. It's happy, upbeat, danceable, and has great rhythms and melodies. There are so many elements to this song that I enjoy. The multitude of percussive sections. The prolonged note that provides a constant backdrop throughout the entire track. The simple, yet catchy guitar riffs. Everything happening in that little breakdown from 3:34-3:42. And the gradual buildup to the eventual melodic culmination.
When I heard "Thunder Clatter" in the car for the first time, I was enjoying it. Then that breakdown around 3:34 happened, and they started repeating those lines at the end. Immediate fountain of tears. The next time I heard it on the radio, they played an interview with the songwriter first, and he talked about how he wrote it for his wife. I didn't know what song they were talking about until it started playing again. It's really just a beautiful, uplifting love song that should be happy in so many ways. And it is, while at the same time being so sad for me. It manages to trigger multiple emotions. I've probably listened to this track forty times over the past two months, and I still get chills at the end. It's the only song on this list that brings me to tears, while at the same time coaxing my body to keep moving, keep tapping my foot along with the beat. Which is really what I'm trying to do with my life right now. And for that reason, it's my favorite song of the year.
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