When Life Hands You Lemons

I had dinner earlier this week with a friend I have known since college.  We haven't kept in touch very much over the years, but it is always nice to catch up with her.

When we sat down to dinner, she told me about a friend of hers who had cancer and has been in remission for five years.  She told me that her friend said that after her diagnosis she felt like a lemon.  That if her husband had known this would happen, maybe he would have picked someone different.  She gave her husband the chance to opt-out.  He stayed.  She is a survivor.  My friend told me this because she wanted me to know that if I had these feelings, I wasn't alone.

I cried right there at the table in the restaurant.  She apologized and then she cried, too.  It was a touching experience.  I was glad she told me because I have had those thoughts.  I have told Adam, and I know he will not be happy that I still have them, but it's not something I can control.

I spend a lot about time thinking about what all of this means for Adam.  And that's when I get most upset.  I want him to have a perfect and wonderful life.  It's not fair that cancer has limited the possibilities of my future, but why does it have to limit Adam's, too?  That's really not fair.

We have spent over seven months fighting so far.  During this time, I have felt like we are waiting for our life to start again.  How much longer will we have to fight this?  Months?  I hope so.  Years?  That's probably more realistic.  I am hoping and praying that I will beat this, but what if I don't?  What if we fight for five years and Adam has to start over?  It's not fair to him. 

I know that Adam doesn't feel this way.  I know that he would never consider a single day, even the tough ones, a waste of time.  I know that he cherishes every moment we have together, and that he wants as many days together as possible.  And so do I. 

Even though this cancer is a lemon, Adam has convinced me that I am not.  We will do what we can to make lemonade for as long as we can - I am hopeful for at least forty or fifty more years.